| im in the living room. somehow, someway, my brother died. he's not breathing. im screaming, freaking out, bawwlinggg. everyone's telling me to not overreact, to "not get too upset." im flipping, yelling at them. "dont get upset!? he's my brother! he's not on vacation, he's dead!" ... i couldnt understand why they, my other brother && sisters, were telling me to not "overreact." then im back in the living room, watching him...or her, because now it's my mother...or my brother && mother in one. either way, im looking at them, && someone trys to do something to them to make them come back to life. ... it works. i see them slowly start to breathe && i see them open their eyes. they sit up, && ask what time it is. ... i run to them && hold them so tightly. i wake up not even 5 minutes after that dream, at about 9:20am or so, to my mother crying && screaming. i jump (almost quite literally) out of bed && go downstairs to see what's wrong. "your sister cut herself && tried to commit suicide." a piece of me died. from then up until now, when im writing this at 10:09am, she's been calling my other sister && my father to let them know what happened. what happened? my sister is in jail, has been for a week or so, for not showing up to one of her previous courtdates. the warrant was issued for her arrest, she ran for a month, but she turned herself in a week ago. her courtdate is 2morrow, && we already got her a lawyer. she would have to do jail time, but the lawyer was gunna get it reduced. but now, since this incident, they might send her to a hospital? idk, honestly. i hope they do because she needs help, not jail. now she's on suicide watch, in a room alone, && is allowed out only once a day, for an hour. my family && i are going to write her letters every single day, try && visit her, && talk on the phone with her as much as possible. also during that time, i remembered that ^ dream. i start hysterically crying because of how frightening && true it was. except it wasnt my mom or brother, it was her, my sister. it's so fucking creepy how things work out like that...how metaphorical your dreams are. i know what im about to say doesnt flow with what i was previously saying, but im too upset right now to think too coherently ... i feel so fucking guilty. how could i fucking do this!? i swear i am not going to cut anymore. i needed a wake up call, && i know this is it. this is it. no more. im done with this. i am not going to potentially harm my family anymore than they already have. i put this in her head. but i swear i will get it out of mine, && hopefully hers, too. ... i have to. |
