xluisalovex's Xanga

something i wrote in science

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 17:08:06 GMT

on October 22nd, 2009. i like it a bit more than my other writings in my book. :

scars all around, scars carry me to the ground.
blood smeared astray, blood spills where i lay.
sirens, sirens; they're all i hear.
faint voices whisper in my ear;
they tell me nothing i want to hear.

---

the shit i write while learning about contour lines... ha.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 22:40:09 GMT

"stop there, && let me correct it: i wanna live a life from a new perspective." ... yuppyupp. <3.

panic!atthedisco<33333;always a favorite.since the beginning<33.

i'm starting over. i'm a new me.

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 16:27:43 GMT

i'm not gonna lose myself. i'm not gonna breakdown. i'm gonna hold my head high, && stand tall. i was raised a fighter.

i will win; i wont succumb to failure.

turning point # 48531234...right?

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 13:23:11 GMT

im in the living room. somehow, someway, my brother died. he's not breathing. im screaming, freaking out, bawwlinggg. everyone's telling me to not overreact, to "not get too upset." im flipping, yelling at them. "dont get upset!? he's my brother! he's not on vacation, he's dead!" ... i couldnt understand why they, my other brother && sisters, were telling me to not "overreact." then im back in the living room, watching him...or her, because now it's my mother...or my brother && mother in one. either way, im looking at them, && someone trys to do something to them to make them come back to life. ... it works. i see them slowly start to breathe && i see them open their eyes. they sit up, && ask what time it is. ... i run to them && hold them so tightly.

i wake up not even 5 minutes after that dream, at about 9:20am or so, to my mother crying && screaming. i jump (almost quite literally) out of bed && go downstairs to see what's wrong. "your sister cut herself && tried to commit suicide." a piece of me died.

from then up until now, when im writing this at 10:09am, she's been calling my other sister && my father to let them know what happened. what happened? my sister is in jail, has been for a week or so, for not showing up to one of her previous courtdates. the warrant was issued for her arrest, she ran for a month, but she turned herself in a week ago. her courtdate is 2morrow, && we already got her a lawyer. she would have to do jail time, but the lawyer was gunna get it reduced. but now, since this incident, they might send her to a hospital? idk, honestly. i hope they do because she needs help, not jail.

now she's on suicide watch, in a room alone, && is allowed out only once a day, for an hour. my family && i are going to write her letters every single day, try && visit her, && talk on the phone with her as much as possible.

also during that time, i remembered that ^ dream. i start hysterically crying because of how frightening && true it was. except it wasnt my mom or brother, it was her, my sister. it's so fucking creepy how things work out like that...how metaphorical your dreams are.

i know what im about to say doesnt flow with what i was previously saying, but im too upset right now to think too coherently ... i feel so fucking guilty.

how could i fucking do this!? i swear i am not going to cut anymore. i needed a wake up call, && i know this is it. this is it. no more. im done with this. i am not going to potentially harm my family anymore than they already have. i put this in her head. but i swear i will get it out of mine, && hopefully hers, too. ... i have to.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 19:10:32 GMT

i'm sitting here, trying to write these words that are scrambled && stuck in my head, but my fingers just dont seem to type the right ones.

there's only one word in my vernacular that can describe you. one word that repeats itself over && over everytime i lay eyes on you. this one word describes everything about you; your eyes, your smile, your voice. your jokes, your laugh, your charm. ... everything! everything about you is

B E A U T I F U L .

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 03:08:53 GMT

i wonder if i can be saved.

i wonder if i'll keep living my life this way. if i'll keep the whole facade up, or just break the fuck down.

i wonder if i'll become like her. if i'll lose myself to the demons. i wonder if i'll be strong enough to withdraw from their hold.

i wonder how things could have been. how things should have been. or maybe this was meant for us? maybe we were always cursed.

i wonder if God hears me. if he hears my crys, my screams in agony. begging, pleading for salvation.

i wonder what will happen to us. will we conquer this && be proud to stand tall? or will we forever be filled with sorrow?

but, like most people, the one thing i wonder most is why. that's truly the answer i need.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 02:59:05 GMT

false hopes && washed up dreams, you couldnt tell from the outside, but she's falling apart at the seams.

the evil within.

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 22:37:39 GMT

falling quickly into the depths of uncontrollable desire; you always manage to pull me in.
fall, fall, fall so hard against the pavement of my self-control; the walls come crumbling down.
breaking down into the metallic feel; you always get your way with me.
biting down into silk to feed your insatiable hunger; it's never enough for you.
fall, fall, fall so hard against the cold linoleum; this is what you've envisioned.
falling quickly into the depths of this unmanageable enslavement; you've conquered your mission.

the one for me.

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 22:18:10 GMT

you're the beauty that i dream of each night;
the bright shining eyes that show me the light.
you're the peace && tranquility,
the right one made for me.
no other will do, for i am truly in love with you.

uninspired.

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 18:43:47 GMT

i hate that i dont write on here much anymore.

last year, i wrote on this thing like crazy, but now i can barely put anything down on here. i dont write in my journals that much anymore, either.

it's not because nothing's going on 'cause, believe me, there is. but i guess everything has just become redundant to me. everything going on is the same old crap, so i dont find any interest in writing it down anymore.

i need some inspiration, && a pretty good dose of it.